May – Mental Health Awareness Month

TPH Charity Promo Small
This month, I’m donating all proceeds from my novella, The Poet Heroic, to the Patient Assistance Fund for Pine Rest Christian Mental Health Services, which is a  local facility that helps people with counseling, detox, etc.  Absolutely 100% of this fund goes towards helping people pay for treatments they might not otherwise be able to afford.

Why I’m doing this: 
Last Fall, one of my close friends committed suicide.   I was writing The Poet Heroic at the time, and I constantly thought of my friend as I wrote because he was a twin and my main character is a twin.  This book affected me emotionally in ways I wasn’t expecting as a result.  It was only fitting that I dedicated the book:

“In loving memory of Jeff, and for anyone else struggling to find the light.” 

No one knew my friend was struggling.  As far as we know, he never asked for help.  His loss hit us all very hard – for many reasons – but one of the hardest things is that he never asked for help and so we were never able to help him.  Many of us were left with this feeling that we just wanted to DO SOMETHING.  We wanted others who might be struggling to know it’s okay to ask for help.  We wanted others to be able to get help.

So, this is something I can DO.  In the few weeks I’ve been working on this month-long event, I’ve heard touching stories from many people who have suffered with depression.  I’ve heard touching stories from people who have a loved one struggling with mental health issues.  I’ve had many people join me because they too want to DO SOMETHING to help.  I’ve been very touched by all of the support and donations, and we’ve got a few weeks to go!!

If you’d like to be part of this event, join us at http://bit.ly/MentalHealthAwarenessEvent

If you’d like to enter a raffle for 50+ ebooks! and help spread the word, enter at https://www.rafflecopter.com/rafl/display/5acd3f201/

If you’d like to add to my donation to the Patient Assistance Fund, (THANK YOU!), see http://bit.ly/ThePoetHeroicBonusGiving

If you’d like to buy a copy of The Poet Heroic and donate that way, go to http://bit.ly/ThePoetHeroicPurchaseDonation

Please, use this month to raise your own awareness, maybe ask for help yourself, and be especially supportive of those struggling with mental health issues.

Writing about Talking about Writing

12977219_812672861431_378475512593826059_oLast week I went to my alma mater twice to talk about writing and Sci-Fi/Fantasy.  I also did an audio interview for a friend’s website.  So, since I did all this talking about writing, I had a lot of notes and points I naturally forgot.  Here’s the gist of everything I’ve been thinking about writing lately.

A sum-up of my writer’s journey:

I self-published my first book, The Kota, my senior year of college.  I had no idea what I was doing, really, I just had this story in my head that I’d been working on since I was 9 and I wanted it in book form.  That was 2004, before eBooks had really taken off and certainly before Kindle Direct Publishing was even a thing.  I didn’t care about being traditionally published, and I knew I’d want to get a lot better before the public read my stuff, so really I just wanted a tangible BOOK of this story in my head.   So, when I opened my first box with my book inside, it was a great feeling – it’s so far the closest thing I’ve experienced to having a kid.  I hear that comparison from tons of authors, and it’s completely true.

After graduation, I was busy with “real life.”  I’d basically set myself up to get a degree for my hobby, so I had to make some pragmatic decisions about what to do with myself.  BUT, I had 4 books planned at the time, so over the next couple of years I followed the same pattern – wrote in my spare time, self-published with the only company familiar to me at the time, and in the end I had 4 books that I could hold and sell/share with people, and I had the fulfillment of knowing I’d written a series.

Again, real life took over.  But if you like writing, you find an outlet.  So I blogged, I started a book reviewing service, I tried for the zillionth time to like poetry and published a few but still hated it (sorry, Professor Stevens).  Basically I was just writing to continue growing and get better and keep myself entertained, plus the bonus of entertaining anyone else.

Then came the social media boom of Goodreads and Facebook and Twitter.   (To any students reading this, this is the world you live in AND WRITE in now, so I’m kind of jealous you get to start your writing journey with all these resources for writers, authors, poets, etc.)   One day on Goodreads, I “met” an author guy who was just starting out, and he was like, “Why haven’t you made your books eBooks?”  That re-started everything for me, and I started doing more research on what it meant to be an author nowadays… I sound old.

So, basically I’ve spent the past decade or so learning how to be an author.  I re-published my first 4 books so that they’re now suitable for public consumption, I made eBook versions, an eBook box set of The Kota Series, I have 2 short stories with several more in the works, and I have 1 audiobook with 1 on the way.   I have a website, blog, Facebook Page – in total I have a decent 4,000+ followers.   I’ve won some awards and special honors, and I sell at least enough books every month to cover my HBO bill – which is a weird goal to set and a low bar certainly, but it keeps me optimistic and elated when I sell 100+ books a month.

How do I stay focused on writing?

I write as a second job, which is how I’ve learned to treat it.  It’s not just a hobby anymore.  If I think of it as a hobby, I just go, “Meh, when I get to it.”  But if I want to have any success as an author, I have to treat it more like a business.  And if it’s a business, writing is the product.  If you don’t WRITE, there’s obviously no point.

I’m not a person who can schedule x-amount of time at x-time every day to write.  I can’t force it.  I write when the mood and muses strike.  And I’ve learned to listen to that pull – if I’m in the zone, I let myself write and write until it’s all out.  Sometimes this means 8 hours of nonstop writing.  For me, that’s just how it works.  It might not be healthy and sometimes I forget to eat, but I think when you’re doing what you love time flies, and I never experience that more than when I’m writing.

If you write, it might be completely different.  You’ll always have people tell you how you “should” write, but that’s kind of crap.  Everybody works differently.  Whether you’re writing fiction or nonfiction or whatever, writing is a creative process.  Take advice and instruction and apply what rules work for you, but you have to find what works for YOU.

(That was a tricky thing to say in front of professors who taught me how to write, btw.  Again speaking to students here – I’m not about to definitively counter anything they’ve told you.  But I’d bet even they don’t want you to write like everyone else has always written.  For fiction writers in particular, the whole fun is finding some new way to say something new.  And YOUR voice and YOUR originality can only come from you.)

What DID I learn at college?

I honestly don’t know if you CAN teach creativity, but you can be taught where to look to get ideas.  You can be taught ways to use those ideas.  While at college, I definitely benefited from professors’ guidance as I experimented with my writing.  I always knew how to put a sentence together and I come from a family of Grammar Nazis, but professors made me get better and sharper and sometimes forced me out of my writing comfort zone so that I grew and wasn’t just regurgitating my old writing style.

Interesting thing:  I still have a folder of old notes from Colonial Lit and Intro to Philosophy and World Lit, etc.  They’re covered in side notes about The Kota, the book I published my senior year.  Those classes should NOT have given me ideas for Science Fiction novels, but they did!  It’s amazing where ideas come from.

So, even more than learning how to write, college benefited me because of all the reading.  Writers who only read in their genres are doing themselves a disservice, I think.   I still look back on my time at college as invaluable for the exposure that I got to different writers and perspectives.  I know the variety of books I read made me a better writer.

Everyone always quotes Stephen King:  “If you don’t have time to read, you don’t have the time (or the tools) to write.”   That’s absolutely true.

Obviously reading good writing can sharpen your brain.  Alternatively, any BAD writing can do the same thing, I think.  I know some people think reading bad writing will rub off on you, but when I read crap books I take note of the things that are bad and make sure I DON’T DO THEM.  Or – this might be bad to share – when I’m in editing mode with my own writing, I read books I know are crap because it keeps me critical, and that carries over to my own work.

But in general, reading stirs your “writer brain” more than anything else I can think of.

Oh, and writers who don’t read IN their genre are seriously missing out.  I recently did an interview with an author who said that he knew a science fiction writer who boasts that he never reads books or watches cinema in the genre.   He claims that this allows him to “be original.”  That’s horrifying and disrespectful, in my opinion.  First of all, if you don’t read or watch science fiction, why would you even like science fiction?  Same goes for Romance or Thrillers – if you’re going to be a part of a genre, know the history of the genre and writers who paved your way.   The author I interviewed brought up the point that “Literature is a conversation, a dialogue between the reader and writer.  If you haven’t been listening to the conversation, how can you contribute anything?”

I think that applies to all writing – you need to read what’s out there to be a part of it.

And as far as being a part of the literary community, if you want to write, you need to find people (whether in real life or online) who GET IT.  Your mom might love your writing, but she probably doesn’t get it if you want to talk about publishing opportunities.  You need to find a community of like-passioned people to help you grow and offer objective feedback on your work.  Via Facebook I’m part of an international group of authors, the #Awethors, and engaging with that community is the single best thing I’ve done as an author.

For those of you in college now, you’re never going to be more surrounded by physical, real life people who share your interest in writing.  You might never again have direct access to people literally TEACHING you how to write.  Take advantage of that and write now if you have any interest at all.

About the current state of publishing: 

(This was the most interesting thing to talk about, considering I’m not sure students had heard it before.  And it was surprising and exciting that they had so many questions specifically about this topic.)

Here’s a thing to remember:   At the end of the day, publishing is a business, and traditional publishers – even ones who genuinely love literature for the pure sake of loving literature – sometimes have to prioritize potential sales over even quality.  I mean, Snooki has a book published by a Big 5 Publisher…let’s all think about that for a second.   Does that mean her book is better than yours?  God, I hope not.  YOUR book could be absolutely amazing but still get rejected by publishers simply because they don’t have a place for it in their marketing system.  They might not think it will sell to their audience.  Does that mean your book is crap?  No.  Just keep trying.

Or, publish it yourself!   How you publish these days is a choice.  There’s still this lingering, outdated, elitist perception that people self-publish because their books aren’t good enough to be traditionally published.  That is simply not the case anymore.  My favorite book that I read last year was self-published (Jason Greenside’s The Distant Sound of Violence).   Some big name authors have even gone the self-publishing route because – believe it or not – there are benefits to self-publishing over traditional publishing.  Royalties and percentages and all of that are highly speculative depending on what study you look at, but it’s no longer necessarily true that being traditionally published will sell more books or make you more money.

Side note:  Really, any good English Major knows that if you’re getting into writing for the money, you’ve made a huge mistake.  It’s a shit-ton of work and luck if you want to make it big.  But, as I talked about in my interview, we don’t do this creative thing for the money – we do it because creating is what fulfills us.  I think the approach of writing on the side or as a second job is a very healthy way to go.  If you HAVE to make money off your writing, that puts a lot of pressure on this thing that is supposed to be enjoyable.  When you HAVE to do it for $$ to survive, it might not be fun anymore.  (This is why I’m marrying for money.  Just kidding! …Mostly kidding.  My fiancé jokes that we’re retiring on my royalties.)

Of course, some students raised valid criticisms against all the self-publishing out there, no doubt echoing at least one professor I can think of.

Don’t all these free and $0.99 books out there cheapen Literature?

I see this a couple different ways.  As for the financial “worth” of art, I think expecting art for cheap/free is just how consumers are in the digital age – ask any musician.  Yes, I wish our work was valued/rewarded financially at a level that makes it worth our time and effort.  But, by making so many books cheap (in order to compete, but that’s a whole other thing), more people can afford to read, and that’s never a bad thing.  More people can get our books whereas at higher prices those same people might not be able to afford it or might not “risk” it on us unknown artists.

As for suggesting that lower prices = cheap “bad” books, I again refer to Snooki’s book.  Or a certain popular vampire series.  Or dozens of other traditionally published works that I would argue cheapen literature and dumb it down.  (However, this argument is an example of the elitism of “Literature” that I try to remind myself not to have.  There’s nothing wrong with enjoying ANY book – art is subjective and I understand why some people enjoy the escapism of aforementioned popular vampire series.) All I’m saying is that the price tag does not necessarily reflect the quality of the writing.

Some say that having so many (“too many”) books out there cheapens Literature.  They long for the days when the gatekeepers of traditional publishing held most of these books back.  Honestly I don’t get this argument because I will never say that having MORE books out there is a bad thing.  Having more stories to consume is never a bad thing.  Even if it’s not a story you or I might enjoy, someone else probably will.  And whereas a traditional publisher might think a story is too weird to sell and therefore tweak it to conform, self-publishing that same book means a whole new kind of story/writing might be introduced.  That, for me, is exciting.  It doesn’t cheapen “Literature” at all but just might evolve storytelling and take us in new directions.

Isn’t it true that a lot of self-published books ARE crap? 

It’s true that some authors don’t know enough about what they’re doing and SHOULDN’T self-publish, yes.  And believe me that the rest of us wish they wouldn’t because they make us look bad and validate this criticism.  But, there’s also that saying about throwing the baby out with the bathwater.  To say that “all” or even “most” self-published books are crap is just plain wrong – and you might miss out on some amazing examples of writing.

This gets back to what I was saying about how you publish being a choice.  With all the resources available to Indie authors now, there’s no reason anyone who takes writing seriously should make a bad book.  If you care enough to write a book, you should care enough to do it right.  And that CAN be done without a traditional publisher.  You can get beta readers who’ll help you work out your book’s kinks, you can get edited by a professional, you can hire a professional cover artist, you can even properly format a book yourself very easily if you can follow instructions.  Nowadays there’s Kindle Direct Publishing, Smashwords, DraftToDigital, and crossbreed companies like Booktrope – there are a ton of resources available!  I think that most writers are seeing the value of doing a book right, and that means fewer and fewer crap books being out there.

Isn’t it crazy hard to be an Indie author, so isn’t it better to be traditional?

I know other authors who’ve taken both routes – some love one way, some will never do the other.  I know editors and publishers who’ve told me about the pros and cons from their perspective inside traditional publishing.  Like I said earlier, there aren’t many differences anymore as far as what can be guaranteed – one way might have success for some, the other is more beneficial for others.

Traditional publishers often have to go by what they think will sell, and they know their markets.  If you fit, great!  But even then, sometimes you have to do a lot of marketing leg-work yourself if you want to really branch out to an audience.  As an Indie, all that work is a given.  BUT, as an Indie, you also reap all the royalties/rewards of your efforts, and you get to keep complete control over your work.  (There’s a lot more involved here, but those are basic widely-acknowledge factors when considering this choice.)

I myself am sticking with the Indie route because, after over a decade of being at it, I know generally what I’m doing and what I would want.  It helps that my genre of Sci-Fi/Fantasy is a bestselling genre and there’s an established audience for my books.  I love having full control of my own work and being free to do whatever I want with it.  I’ve been approached by a few traditional publishers, but none of them could offer me anything I couldn’t do for myself, so that doesn’t make sense FOR ME.   (Granted, if I’m ever offered an Andy Weir kind of deal, I’ll jump on it.  And that IS an option – you can always start Indie, prove your marketability, and then accept a deal with a traditional publisher.  I know more than a few authors this has worked very, very well for.)

At the end of the day, you need to figure out what’s best for YOU.  Either way you go, the #1 IMPORTANT THING is to write the best book you can.  Then, good luck if you want to get an agent and/or go the traditional route.  If you want to go Indie, PLEASE do the work of making your book the best product it can be.  Then, good luck with marketing.   Either way, there’s a lot of work involved.  But if you love writing and want to be an author, just do it.  You gotta start somewhere.

The Problem With Being Comfortable

There’s a downside to being encouraged too much as a child.  Growing up, I was always the Golden Child, although I think I was only eager to please because I found it so easy to please.  I could get by with little effort and even excel in some areas without trying.  I was always told I could do anything I wanted, be anything I wanted.  And I knew I was smart enough and talented enough and driven enough that that was true.

But here’s one of the internal hiccups of being me:  I get option paralysis.  When any and all roads are open to me, I can’t pick.  I was always told and believed that I could do/be anything I wanted…but what did I want?

What I’ve always ended up doing is just settling into whatever is good enough.  I slip into the comfort zone of what I’m good at so that I’m satisfied to a passable degree and don’t feel like some kind of floundering failure.  I make myself comfortable with my surroundings, my regular activities, the people I regularly see, etc.  And I just kind of… accept that comfort zone because it’s good enough without having to try, even if I have no idea if it’s what I really want.

Fortunately, somewhere along the trail of growing up, I whack-a-moled the Golden Child reflex to please everyone.  I know perfectly well by this point that I meet expectations without trying, so woo-hoo for me.  Except, not woo-hoo for ME.  Internally, I know that settling for what’s good enough is still settling.  Is my comfort zone really what I want?  This question has always, always plagued me – What do I want?  I don’t think I’ve been able to answer that question for myself at any point in my history.

So what do I do?  I stick with my comfort zone.  I DO like my life, don’t get me wrong – if I was miserable, I’d change things.  I have a pleasant life.  Close family.  Good friends.  Beaches within a reasonable driving distance.  More local breweries than I can possibly visit in a week (I’m sure some could, but I’ve apparently become a lightweight).  I’m generally content.  Comfortable.  But is this all I want?  Or have I gotten so comfortable that I’m a bit in denial about being…satisfied?

It doesn’t help that I work at home, alone, with buckets of time to think.  As generally content as I am with my life, still questions of “What if” creep in to fill the hours.  What if I’d made an ambitious pursuit of a vocation at…something I’d wanted?  What if I’d said “yes” any number of times, maybe making mistakes but maybe not?  What if, at any point, I’d wanted something so passionately that I’d been driven to aim for it?

I’ve always been a quietly restless person, probably exactly because I’ve never known what I want.  I’m just not comfortable with being comfortable.  I need to be shaken up semi-regularly.  I need stimulation from the norm.  I hate feeling stagnant.  I hate ruts.  I go through periods (now, obviously) where I get restless and twitchy and question every life decision I’ve ever made.  But still – what do I want?  I have no idea.

I’ve always rolled my eyes at people who adopt the personal mantra of “All who wander are not lost.”  I’ve known people who can’t settle anywhere and “want to see the world” because they think that’s going to solve their problems that they’re carrying around with them everywhere they land.  I’m self-aware enough to know drastically moving or traveling is not going to be a cure-all.  At the same time, some of my best decisions were drastic, made on a whim, and excellent examples of my inability to control my impulse-control issues.  (I’m looking at you, move to Detroit.)  There is something beautifully freeing about hitting some kind of reset and throwing yourself into new surroundings.  There’s something wonderfully freeing about being surrounded by nothing you know.

I’m pretty sure this possible solution entered my brain because a friend recently pointed out to me that I would “never move.”  This bothered me because:

A) It’s frustrating when someone knows you disturbingly well in so many ways that you have to wonder if they’re right about you all the time.

B) A John Locke (LOST) voice in my head always yells, “Don’t tell me what I [won’t] do!”

Also, it got me thinking.  In the back of my mind, I know that moving is always something I’m quite open to if presented with a good enough reason.  In fact, I think that’s why I rent.  So IS that what I want, right now?  A drastic move (literally), a shake up from this comfortable, pleasant little life I’ve settled into?  Or would that just be a quick fix?

I’ve never been comfortable being comfortable.  Maybe that’s all I want – to not be so damn comfortable – although that’s a terrible wish for a pessimist to throw out into the universe.  But I am restless constantly, and I can’t blame it on winter anymore.  I need…something.  I think – I think – I should find baby steps to shake things up where I’m at rather than some drastic move (say, Iceland, for example…Iowa is easier to resist), but I don’t know.  I guess I’m just trying to stay open to possibilities (good ones, please, universe) that I can jump on if they’re what I want.

#YesAllWomen

I haven’t really properly blogged in a long time, but I’ve been asked my thoughts on the whole #YesAllWomen movement, so I figured I’d write my response here.

 First, a few reactionary thoughts…

 I’ve read a lot of grumblings against #YesAllWomen, saying that it seems to be blaming all men.  Many of us have loving brothers, fathers, uncles, male friends, etc. who are NOT assholes.  Well, good.  Of course not EVERY man is the problem.  I don’t think the point of #YesAllWomen is to imply that all men are the devil.  The point, it seems to me, is to bring to light what IS the problem.  And there IS a problem, even if the men in your life are all saints.  If you don’t identify with this, that doesn’t mean someone else doesn’t.  There are things men do that are offensive which they might not ever realize are offensive.  There are things we women do that men don’t understand the reasons behind.  The point of acknowledging all of these things is to strengthen both sexes’ understanding and work towards solutions…at least I hope that’s the goal.

 I’ve also read the arguments that #YesAllWomen is a media trend feeding off the tragedy from Santa Barbara.  Some say that it’s belittling actual victims of real abuse – like women stoned in Pakistan or enslaved Nigerian girls.  Okay, some guy smacking my ass as I walk by is not on par with either of those situations. But it’s a part (granted a very small part) of the overall problem.  Different women in different places experience different symptoms of the same sickness.  I would assume most of us realize that we have it better than many, many others.  But, again in order to work towards understanding, talking about our individual experiences can contribute to finding solutions.  And when you tell any woman that her problems and fears and painful experiences don’t really matter, HOW THE HELL IS THAT HELPING?

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 Anyway, here’s a brief overview of my experiences and opinions about this whole issue:

I’ve never particularly thought of myself as a feminist.  I grew up as a tomboy, as a daddy’s girl, as “one of the guys.”  In a weird way I guess I always was a feminist, even if I didn’t realize it – everything I did and everything I believed about myself stemmed off of an assumption that I was just as good as my male companions, just as full of worth, just as important and equally deserving of respect as a human being.

This underlying belief of equal worth (what I think feminism should be about) was passed onto me by my parents.  I was a daddy’s girl, so in a large way I owe my “feminism” to my father.  I don’t remember him ever telling me I couldn’t do something because I was a girl.  He taught me to think for myself.  He taught me to stand up for myself.  My mom also played a big part in my self-confidence, and I learned from her example that you can be kind, loving, generous (“feminine,” in short) but also have biting wit and an internal drive that spurs you to succeed in whatever you’re tackling.  I blame my hyperactive self-esteem on too much good parenting, honestly – I was encouraged constantly by their belief in me, and there were never limitations because I was a girl.  (Growing up, the only way I was treated differently from my brother was that I wasn’t allowed to run around with my shirt off or pee behind trees.  Whatever.)

I will say that even my “perfect” childhood was tainted by a very minor episode of what so many more unfortunate girls have experienced.  I thank God that I’ve never been truly abused, raped, assaulted, etc.  But there was a time when a creepy older boy wanted me to do something I wasn’t comfortable with, and I tricked him and ran to tell my mom.  My parents never spoke of it again, I’m sure hoping/assuming I’d forget about it, but I remember even then realizing how scared other little girls must be who didn’t have anyone to tell. This episode, however minor, at least taught me sympathy for girls who found themselves in situations where they had no control.

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Growing up on a hunt club, with scores of men around all the time, was an interesting education in how men treat “the fairer sex.”  I truly believe that a lot of men from older generations honestly don’t understand why women get offended.  To them, it seems natural that women do the cooking and cleaning.  It never enters their minds that it makes us uncomfortable when they put a hand on our back to guide us through a door.  I don’t know what can really be done to change older men’s understanding of “feminism” honestly.  My deceased grandfather (whom I did love dearly despite infuriating moments) would be horrified to know I’m still single at 32, and he just never understood that a girl could be happy and alone…for example.

  •  I remember the first time a man didn’t believe me about something and thought he should ask my little brother. (I immediately thought of that part in “The Boxcar Children” where the one sister isn’t allowed to use a knife and instead they give it to her little, 5-year-old brother, because he’s a boy.)
  • I remember the well-meaning assistance when men assumed I couldn’t lift something heavy, which always made me feel put in my place…and a little defiant.
  • I remember older men telling me I was pretty when it had absolutely nothing to do with our discussion, which I always thought ridiculous because my brother’s looks never had anything to do with anything.  (I still get annoyed when interviewers comment on my looks…as if that has anything to do with how I write sci-fi.)
  • Then I turned 18.  Some – and I must stress that this was not the majority of hunt club members – started treating me differently.  I remember a few times out on the Sporting Clays course when I was honestly very uncomfortable. Once I was wearing shorts and a tank top, and so they laughed at me when I said I wasn’t interested, telling me I must “like the attention” – never mind that it was 95 degrees outside and I was doing physical labor.  Sometimes I would be a little afraid to be out in the middle of the woods with these men.  If they ever wondered why I walked so quickly back to the clubhouse (where my dad was), that was why.

And here’s something:  I’m a tough girl.  I grew up on a farm so that I’m strong enough to usually feel I can defend myself if I have to.  Still, there are times when I’m afraid around men.  If I feel that way, I can only imagine how powerless some other women must feel.

Another thing:  I read in another #YesAllWomen post about how men submit and back off when another man is involved.  I never thought of this as a pattern, but it makes sense.  Back with those creepy hunters, they would back off and act like they didn’t even notice me the second my dad was around. (I think THAT is actually a big part of why I’ve always preferred the idea of eloping, honestly.  I hate the idea of my dad giving me away – I’m not HIS.  No one should have to ask his permission to have me. I don’t know if that makes sense or not, but it’s all a part of the same thing in my head.)

 ****

In Detroit, I worked for a while as a model scout.  This whole time period was a personal experiment to study people anyway, and the ways men treat women was certainly a key part of that.

In another #YesAllWomen-related blog, the female writer talked about how she and her boyfriend were watching a woman at a bar.  A creepy dude sidled up to the woman and talked to her, obviously making her uncomfortable, but the woman gave bare minimum responses and chuckles. The writer’s boyfriend said something like “I can’t believe she’s putting up with him. You’d never do that.”  The writer admitted to thinking, “I do it all the time.” There is so much truth in this.  As a woman who’s been hit on at bars by many, many creepy men, you learn that the safest and easiest response is to…put up with it. It’s awful and feels like you’re encouraging bad behavior, but the truth is that sometimes you just don’t know how a guy is going to react to a flat out “no.”  Putting up with it until he takes the hint, gets disinterested, or goes away is quite often the safest way to go.

Also during model scouting, I again saw the truth that unwanted “suitors” (the most polite term I can think of at the moment) would back off if another guy was around.  A good friend of mine knew my “get over here and help me” face.  Whenever I couldn’t get rid of a guy, I would give my friend that look and he’d come over and stand by me protectively.  Every single time, the creepy suitor would bow out immediately.  I HATE needing a guy for that.  But it always works – men will hear men say “no” every time.  It’s infuriating to not have that kind of power yourself, as a woman.

Here’s a problem:  We women do like SOME attention.  Being told you’re pretty is nice when it’s said respectfully. We do not, however, like to hear “You’re hot!” when shouted from a dark alley.  This doesn’t mean girls are fickle or teases or leading you into some kind of trap where we’re going to shut you down after you buy us 3 drinks.  I have been accused of being an Ice Queen, but I’m perfectly willing to give someone attention who treats me like more than a piece of meat – WHY IS THAT SO DIFFICULT TO UNDERSTAND?

 ****

Here’s the pretty basic bottom line:  Respect people.  Respect women, not because they’re women, but because they’re people.  Respect men, not because they’re men, but because they’re people.  If we want equality – acknowledging that there are differences, but equal – then just treat everyone with the same level of respect and decency.  And understand that women put up with a lot that we can’t control.  Sometimes men can be offensive without even realizing it.  Sometimes we’re outright afraid of men, and there IS male behavior that is sick, misogynistic, and needs to be addressed.  Some of my favorite feminists are men who are working to change the way men understand their behavior in relation to women.

I for one choose to see that as the purpose of #YesAllWomen – acknowledging that we all need to work to fix the gender issues that affect all of us.  Even me.

Rabbit Trail Drift Off

It’s that time of season when this:

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Stormtrooper (my car), where he hasn’t moved for days.

 leads to this:

Just watched...

As a result, here’s what happened in my mind last night as I was trying to fall asleep:

This book’s fun.
Gosh, my bed is warm.
[hears gust of wind outside]
No, I’m not letting you in!
What would I do as a vampire?
Who’d be my role model – Aidan or Lestat?
My ears have been ringing for over an hour.
Someone must REALLY be gossiping about me…
Is that an old wives’ tale or just something my mom made up?
I don’t know who’d be up at-
[checks clock on phone]
-3:14 am, anyway.
Did I have caffeine today?
[thinks through everything I ate/drank]
Nope.
Scary that I can do that.
What day is tomorrow – Wednesday?
These are normal questions when hibernating…hermitting…hibermitting.
Nailed it.
This is going great.
Count sheep.
No, boring.  Count Almosts… What am I at – 46?
Hmm… No, not thinking about THAT.
Galcon is Welsh.  Evant is French.  Hack is Colombian.  Matsuri is, what, American?  Poor guy is so uninteresting.
Well, he IS based on-
[edit omission to protect myself]
Did I email everyone back today?
No, I will NOT email/text at-
[checks phone]
3:20.  Great Sky, this is ridiculous.
Coke!  I put Coke in my rum!
Er, you know what I mean…  I know what I mean.
Am I talking to myself?!
This is how it starts.
Well, crazy Aunt Dora lived to be over 100, right? Decent trade off.
I wonder if she was an artist/writer/whatevs.
Gosh, darn, heck – did I just THINK ‘whatevs’?
Not okay, brain.
But I DO wonder if she had journals.
I would SO follow the blog of a crazy person.
Like that poet who writes the conversations she hears the voices having.
…I should write this down.

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