A Pause…

I don’t have it in me to write a #TheFourFriday today.  Last night, my closest group of friends received the worst possible news you can get about a friend.  We sat around for a few hours together, shellshocked, trying to individually and as a group process what it meant that our friend had taken his own life.

I’m a writer.  I process by writing my thoughts and feelings down, so bear with me as I get this out.  I’ve now had about 12 hours to sort out my reaction.  I know the stages of grief, and I don’t know exactly where I’m at, but I know a lot of words that apply to this situation.

Denial. Shock. Confusion. Anger. Guilt. Mourning. Unreal. Sorrow. Regret. Love. Why? Why? Why?

But the thing is, it all boils down to the word… Sad.  It is sad that my friend chose to take his life.  It is sad that none of us saw this coming.  It is sad that we all would have tried to help if we’d known.  It is sad that he left people who love him.  It is sad he couldn’t find the light.  It is sad that he is gone.  I am sad that he is gone.  We are sad that he is gone.

And I want to say, for anyone struggling with something to the point that it is dragging you into darkness, PLEASE talk.  Say something.  Ask for guidance.  If it gets to the point where you want it to end, make one last effort to reach out and get help.  People love you.  There is ALWAYS someone who will want to help.

I also want to say that I’m incredibly grateful for the people around me:
The friend whose phone wasn’t working and so drove over to tell me this news in person.
The friends who welcomed everyone into their home late at night to grieve together.
The man I love who was intuitive enough to go get us whiskey and bourbon when tea just wasn’t cutting it.
The parents I informed because I know they care about the people I care about.
The brother I texted because I knew he would know how I was feeling.

God bless, all.

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