It’s that time of year when I typically have had it with winter anyway, but today I’ve spent most of my time eagerly anticipating the moment when the wind is going to finish tearing off my neighbor’s screen door so that it joins the blowing snow, which just doesn’t seem to want to fly down.
I miss the color green.
I can’t even remember what dirt smells like.
I remember what birds sound like only because of TV.
I’m sick of being cooped up and having way too much time to think and consequently freaking out about every life decision I’ve ever made.
But here’s the thing: Despite the weather, despite hating being cooped up (yes, I could do things outside, but I’m not a crazy winter person), I really don’t mind this winter causing me to spend so much time alone. I would like to be out, at the park, at the beach, among the living, etc. But I’ve gotten pretty good at doing these things by myself. Maybe it’s part of being a writer, but I like to be out in the world and just observe. I like having great stretches of time where I can think without having to entertain anyone else. Selfishly, I like doing things my way. Less selfishly, I like not making other people accommodate me into their plans.
Of course I like spending time with my family and my friends. Most of them. Many of them. Some of them. Sometimes. It would be absolutely detrimental to my mental wellbeing if I didn’t interact with people regularly. I genuinely love meeting new people. I’ve had a job in the past which required me to be more social than any of you probably will ever be in your life, so forgive me if I smirk a bit when you get all judge-y like I can’t be social. (Okay, that started to get specific…) Anyway, yes, I like people. I’d say I need people. I may be an introvert, but people feed me creatively, spiritually, etc. in ways that neither I nor Netflix can.
But my usual, comfortable state involves a table for one.
The natural question most people ask is, “Don’t you wish you were in a relationship so that you’re not alone all the time?” My first reaction is usually to find this insulting. My second reaction is to take a deep breath and try to make the person understand that I’m quite happy being single. Well-meaning relatives and friends of course try to “help.” My usual response echoes Liz Lemons’s “No, thank you, please!” Okay, being in a relationship wouldn’t be a bad idea, but having some guy in my life usually just exhausts me. If someone wants to see me more than once a week, I start to feel claustrophobic. Maybe at some point someone will surprise me, but I don’t NEED someone to make me feel content. I think that’s a much healthier space to be in – hoping to be surprised – than dating anyone/everyone in the hope that I won’t have to be alone.
If I’m being honest, most of the time it’s probably better that I’m not around people. Usually in public my verbal edit switch IS clicked to on, but I apparently have lost all ability to control my facial expressions. While I might really, really want to spend time out with friends, after a few hours that enthusiasm is likely to wane and I’d rather be back enjoying Sammy (my TV) or else writing. However, this time of year, I think everyone has had it with being stuck inside and so we’re a bit more likely to enjoy each other’s company just for the sake of being in each other’s company. I can be okay in public, and this time of year even I am willing to give it a go.
On that note, I have to go get ready to leave my apartment. Good luck to everyone dealing with me tonight.